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Aries (March 21- April 19)- Today is a 9- If you like kittens, then this is your day. But be careful! Sometimes they don’t behave. Please behave! Why won’t you just behave! Taurus (April 20- May 20)- Today is a 6- Don’t get complacent. I mean sure, you cry after you masturbate, but do you cry hysterically? Today is the day that it will feel good in the prostate....good in the prostate! Gemini (May 21-June 21)- Today is a 12- Yesterday, clown wig was good. Today, clown wig is still good. Never forget. Cancer (June 22-July 22)- Today is a 7- You may or may not get completely nude and have women belittle your genitals. It may be so shameful, yet so pleasurable. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)- Today is a 5- Falco died for your sins..earn this. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept 22)- Today is a 9- Are you ready to marry a millionaire? How about a hobo named Gene? The chlamydia was never this itchy, and the donkey punching was never this tender. |
Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 23)- Today is a 5- You’re a gay idiot. That is such a turn on. Love me. Please love me. Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)- Today is an 8- Meet the Israeli strongman. For he is not weak....rather, he is strong. So are you dear Scorpio. Just don’t turn around. Der Komissar’s in town. Sagittarius (Nov.-Dec. 21)- Today is a 6- I was wrong; it was Earth all along. It seems they’ve finally made a monkey out of me. Yes, they’ve finally made a monkey out of me. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)- Today is a 9- Oh God! They keep pinching me. Stop the pinching, please please stop the pinching! I love you Bruce Jenner. Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18)- Today is a 1- If your name is Mel, and you like tacos, your friends should call you Taco Mel rather than Lord Ass-Fag. Although that’s pretty catchy as well. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)- Today is a 5- Some may call it luck, I’ll just call it herpes. You’re always on my mind Bob Saget. |
