· Garrett Glick, a Rutgers College Senior, was arrested Tuesday night for walking a midget without a leash. The midget was also arrested for failing to produce the necessary permit to masturbate publicly upon request. · The Review reported that someone had stolen their ability to be entertaining ... · Three obese Tibetan men attempted to car-jack the King of the Road grease truck at gunpoint on Tuesday. It was only after they realized that the grease trucks were immobile that they fled the scene on foot with several packages of Fritos®, laughing hysterically and masturbating… maturbating vigorously. · John Maxwell, a Rutgers College junior, was arrested on Mine Street for possession of less than fifty grams of marijuana. Apparently, Maxwell had no marijuana which, as a police spokesperson explained, “is under fifty grams.” · Tyler Burbank, not affiliated with the university, was assaulted at 4 AM on College Avenue by two men cleverly disguised as RUPD. The men beat Burbank with nightsticks while shouting his Miranda rights along with several accusations of “resisting arrest!”