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| February 4, 1998 | Features | Volume XXIX Number 13 |
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By Matt Medeiros Another week passed, another article was due, and upon writing three or four shitty articles, I realized that I had an interesting and more importantly true experience to write about. Everything you read here is true, it may not sound it but it’s completely factual. It was another boring day, almost a year ago, when two of my friends, each named Tim, and I went to our usual eating establishment, Roy Rogers. The food was always good, and we always met the most interesting people there, today’s visit was going to be a memorable one. We walked up to the counter and as we ordered our food a an extremely short, rather strange looking man who was more drunk than anyone I’ve ever seen. Tim Wagner, a fellow Rutgers student (who I’ll refer to as Wagner throughout the rest of the article to save confusion over his counterpart Tim Aanensen who I’ll call Tim) being the outgoing and crazy motherfucker that he is started talking to him. Tim and I were standing on the side, somewhat amused, but more disturbed by this, waiting for our food. We went and sat down, and after about two minutes this person came and joined us. He explained to us that his name was “Fun,” and that he was in the St. Patrick’s day spirit (even though St. Patrick’s day was not for at least three weeks) as he pulled out his bottle of Irish whiskey. He later claimed that his name was “People,” saying he was all about people. Meanwhile Wagner bopping around to the cheesy background music and asked, “Do you wanna dance?” to which People responded, “You wanna suck my dick?” This is when our inebriated, obviously retarded friend became violent. I had been looking down, eating my fries, because to me food is more important than retards, and I looked at Wagner and noticed there was something on the lid of his drink, I looked up and People said, “That’s my EYE!” and lo and behold, there was his empty left eye socket. Wagner asked, “How did you lose your eye sir?” to which he replied, “Man… I got FUCKED UP!” Now we were freaked, Tim managed to slip away and inform the manager, who came over during the barrage of threats which followed the removal of the fake eyeball. The manager, a huge man, asked him to leave and when People refused, picked him up and removed him. Looking outside we saw our angry little friend staggering around and then finally, whipping out his dick and pissing everywhere! He then staggered out into the middle of Ridge Road, the busiest street in Lyndhurst, still pissing, and managed to stop traffic. He was then picked up by a patrol car which happened to be in the area and arrested. Then I finished my french fries in peace. By Jim Colwill The eyes of the world are penetrating and very invasive. I am beginning to think my friends and peers see through what I am. I must confess now, or be forever damned to existential hell. So maybe I do lust after women. Maybe the thought of pussy makes my mouth water. However, I love my lisp I must remain gay. I need to wear shiny retro clothing, and gay clubs are so very trendy and fabulous. I know one confession isn’t enough for you vultures. Deep? I’ll give you deep. I sit here with “Barbara” on the radio, and the butt of my Virginia Slim wedged in the sole of my platform shoes. Oh dear God, will you help me?! Ok, compose yourself honey, I can do this. I eat meat…Red meat. I really don’t mean to, but when they leave me alone in my apartment with all that sensually tempting roast beef in the fridge, what else can happen? And there was butter on my vegan rye toast, fuckin’ dairy!!! That’ll get a vegan fag any day. I keep my fur coat buried deep in the closet with my heterosexuality. I just don’t know what everyone will think… wearing fur, pickin’ up chicks, eating meat?! What’s happening to me? And there’s the recycling. If anyone found the pile of recycleables under my bed they would shoot me! But I just can’t bear to recycle those poor bottles and cans, they scream in fear at even the thought! And I only write on one side of every page! Oh how I dream of the day I can smother my girl’s labia in A1, and bury my face in between her legs until the sun comes up. Of course, I would be wearing only platform shoes (and maybe a dog collar or something, as long as its leather). There. I’ve said my piece. I confess. May the world attack By Matt Medeiros Well it’s a new year, and one of the most popular traditions of beginning the new year (besides getting ridiculously drunk) is the new year’s resolution. Everybody makes them, very few people keep them, here are some resolutions made by some people you may know… “I’s not gonna pop no caps in no niggas asses fo’ no reason no mo’” Anonymous Livingston College student. “I’m not going to get really drunk and attempt to gang rape a passed out girl at a party.” Rutgers frat guy. “My new year’s resolution is to anally rape even more R. U. students and rob them of their money, while cutting back the budgets of the programs they care about.” Fran Lawrence. “I’m going to stop having sex, and bragging about having sex with Ashe”: Medium “What’s Shakin’” Editor Kit Lazar. “No more sex with interns!” Pres. Bill Clinton “I intend on working even more diligently in order to increase my G.P.A. from 3.97 to 4.0.” Busch College freshman. “I’m going to stop serving dog shit.” Chef Ted. “We’re going to get some talent… Girl Power!!!” The Spice Girls. “Oink oink oink, oink oink squeal.” RUPD (Translation: “No more donuts.”) “I’m not going to kill anyone this year.” O. J. Simpson. “We’re not going to murder any more royalty.” The Paparazzi. “We’ll do our best to stop closing at inopportune times, so that people can finish what they need to finish on time, as opposed to a week later.” R. U. computer labs. “In 1998, all the busses will be on time.” Rutgers Tranpark. “I’m going to start lip synching the national anthem when the tape starts.” Jewel. “I’m going to get a life.” Matt Medeiros. Click here for the weekly Pipe Dreams Click here to go back to Features Back to the main page |